shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
