Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
