In the future we'll all be gay
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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