Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
