you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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