Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
