Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
