she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
