just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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