Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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