i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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