Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
