In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
