It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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