Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
