I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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