I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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