Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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