Im at strip club and am horny
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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