I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
