I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
