SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
