I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
