you traded sex for a burrito?
zippers are such a cool invention
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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