i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
