Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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