If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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