True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
