Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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