I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He has the fingertips of a God
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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