Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
