im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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