I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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