We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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