Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
