it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
