i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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