I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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