I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
