did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
