Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
