Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
