Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
