did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
