I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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