I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
