its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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