dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
