so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
