im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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