I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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