I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
