I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude i'm inner monologue high
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
