I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
