it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize