just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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