I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
