Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
