Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
