If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I want a musical about memes.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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