fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
