I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
